she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
