I want to make a zoo with you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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