I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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