I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
