You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
