There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
