dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
