im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
