I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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