Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
