Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
