My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize