Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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