For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
