Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
3pm strippers are depressing
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
