Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
