I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
