i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
