I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
