Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There r osticjed everywhere
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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