You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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