miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
