I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
