oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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