i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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