Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
