So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
