I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize