How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
