im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
