his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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