Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
