whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
