textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
