Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
