i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
