even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
