Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
