I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
