why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
