this just has baby written all over it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just googled if crying burns calories
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
