My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
