You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
