i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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