I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
