fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
