i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
