you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She told me I should be a condom model.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
