I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
