We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
