I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
