She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
