I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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