My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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