i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
