i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize